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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The
man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at
the frog and thinks maybe the frog is right", puts his other club away,
and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is
shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky
frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to
take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole
in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of
the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the
frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas.
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what? The frog
says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man
asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.
333,000, black 6. Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after
the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the
best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't
know how to repay you.You've won me all this money and I am forever
grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is
how the girl ended up in my room." |
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By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel
manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely
exhausted.
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the
manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have
complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room,"
John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.
She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars. "I bet," she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had.
He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." |
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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a
stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented
octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot
etc... So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an
instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The
octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin it up.
So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet
better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus
fumbles with them for a minute, then sits them down with a confused
look. "Ha!" the man says "Can't you play them?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play them? I'm going to f***
them as soon as I figure out how to get their pyjamas off"
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One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are
already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap.
Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the
hallway, no one is around so rather than get dressed he decides to make
a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers -
all clear, so he makes a break for it, just as he turns the corner to
the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With no where to
go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the
nuns will think he's a statue.
The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like
statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer
look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's penis.
Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap.
"Oh heavens she exclaims, I got a bar of soap".
The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looked steps closer and
again, a couple of tugs on the priest's penis and he drops the other bar
of soap "my goodness, I got a bar of soap too". The nuns can't believe it.
The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a
couple of tugs, "my God this is amazing" she says, "I got hand soap!!" |
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Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune." Bill (with a chuckle): "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?" So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
Bill & Divine meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know why you chose the name Microsoft." |
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